“What if this is as good as it gets?”

About college.

I just deleted a hefty posting on the subject of college because I did not appreciate my own negativity.  My brain is a bit much for me sometimes. I went on and on about how many things I dislike about college and the people and whatever else I could fit in to a negative rant.  

Instead I’m going to list things that I actually enjoy about the ole’ non trad (is “non trad” one word or two? nontrad, non trad. They both give me the red squiggle underline) experience. 

1) The campus is beautiful in the fall.  I’m not joking.  There are a ton of trees in various colors and its just a pleasant place to look at. 

..this is not good. I’ve been staring at the screen thinking for five minutes, which seems like not very long, but stare at your computer screen and think for five solid minutes and tell me its not a long time.  Anyway.  I’ve not been able to think of another thing. I’m sure it will come to me.  Lets just keep moving, shall we?

My whole idea behind the State of Things in College blog idea is because it is the question I’m most frequently faced with answering, and I always give one of two responses, depending on the person. 

Question: “Hey man, hows college life?” 

Response 1) “As good as it gets.” Which to me is a way of saying that it is shit without saying that it is shit. To the person who is not fully aware of my sense of humor, “as good as it gets” could be interpreted as “i’m not sure how it could be any better! It’s so great,” when in reality, what I mean by that is “there is no way that the worst thing could ever be anything other than the worst thing ever.”  Melvin Udall, the incredible character from the movie “As Good as it Gets” comes to mind. He is my college alter ego I believe. Or split personality, or however I should have used that reference. 

This response is generally given to family members, acquaintances, or to anyone that I’m not in the mood to explain the whole shebang to. 

Response 2) “It’s so much worse than I thought it was going to be.”  This, my babies, is the legit truth. Some of you have received this response from me, and for that, I apologize.  I’m actually trying to get this response out of my lexicon, but if I learned anything from the Disney Corporation, it’s that lying will make your nose grow, and your bad friends will get you drunk and make you smoke cigars, and you may or may not turn in to a donkey for the rest of your life.

Can we take a minute and talk about how NOT OK old Disney movies are? Pinocchio terrified me as a child.  I remember that bad kid (cant think of his name, don’t want to look it up) turned in to an effing donkey because he was bad, and then he just got left on the island! What?!  That is not ok!  Remember how scared he looked when he was getting transformed, then his screams turned to donkey sounds and then the scene ends and we’re not concerned about all those kids who turned in to effing donkeys! Dang. 

Then there is Peter Pan.  “what makes the red man red” is the name of a song. Something tells me that the Native American culture is not fully comfortable with the nature of that tune, or how Disney portrayed “Injuns” in that film.  Not to mention the fact that Wendy Darling and the mermaids are fighting over peter, to which Peter replies “Just like a girl, jealous and fighting.”  Racism, check.  Sexism, check.  

Dumbo!  God help us, Dumbo! Half of the movie is a G.D. hallucination! Dumbo gets tanked on whatever the clowns are drinking, then goes on a crystal meth-ish all night bender, ending with his giant elephant ass up in a tree being mocked by stereotypical “black guy” barbershop quartet singing crows!  What the hell! 

What was I talking about before the Disney stuff? Oh yes, college.  Ummm, I need to get back in that rhythm because all I’m thinking about now are Disney movies and I want to think of more.. 

Ok, college. College… 

either way. I’m not digging it, but it will be over soon.  Actually a year ahead of schedule, so that’s a plus.   I knew I would think of another positive! There it is!

That witch from Snow White used to scare the shit out of me too.  Was it Snow White or sleeping beauty?  The one that has the black cloak and the big nose.  I’d google image it right now just to be sure, but I would lose sleep over it if I saw her.  Disney, man.